Psychiatrist and business consultant and best-selling author Mark Goulston, MD (www.markgoulston.com) recently sent me a pre-press copy of his new book, Just Listen, looking for my feedback. His advice about how to get through to hard-to-reach people was very powerful, but what really caught my eye was chapter 11, "Steer Clear of Toxic People." Mark really nails it when he explains how dangerous it is to spend time with people who don't want to make your life better, but instead work to bring you down -- they con you, bully you, make you the scapegoat for their mistakes, are overly needy and don't give back. No matter how painful the process, giving yourself a "jerkectomy" (Mark's term, and I love it!) is critical to living the life you want. Look for an interview with Mark in an upcoming issue of Bottom Line/Personal explaining how to identify toxic people, and how to separate yourself from them.
Jul 26
Jul 29, 2009 at 4:59 PM Does Mr.Goulston M.D. ever consider coming to Alaska?I know there are many people whom would benifit from his knowledge and teachings here,however, i personally know of 2,that would not only'just'benefit,they would resurge and survive with a "jerkectomy"!I am positive their health would greatly benefit as well.
I speak of myself and adult daughter.We are surrounded by "TOXIC-ECTOMY'S"please help !
what issue and when will he do his interview,we definiatly donot need to miss it.
thank you so much!
Jul 30, 2009 at 3:55 AM Sounds like you have Jamaican blood
Jul 30, 2009 at 7:28 AM I work with one of those - and he's an attorney who should know better. Only yesterday, he tried to tell me that although I have been alerting as many as half a dozen times that certain documents were due and ultimately past-due because he couldn't get them off his desk, it is still my fault if they don't get submitted in time. I almost bought that nonsense. Until I realized that the other attorney only needs to be alerted once, if even that much, because he usually takes responsibility to get his job done himself. Today, I quit being the first attorney's mother and I am creating so tight a paper trail of the differences between the two that he won't have room to hiccup without apologizing... it's liberating.
Jul 30, 2009 at 3:58 PM For anyone who would like to learn how to do a "jerk-ectomy" I hope you join me for my free American Management Association webcast on: "The Simple Way to Get Through to Difficult People" (how is that for "euphemism") on August 26 at 12 Noon. For more info go to: http://www.amanet.org/events/get-through-to-difficult-people/
Jul 30, 2009 at 4:40 PM I can be difficult, but not for the reasons listed here. I have a low threshold for frustration, and when I'm tired or feeling overwhelmed, the negative feelings tend to show. I do my best not to exasperate my coworkers, and apologize when I do - just as they apologize when they are the ones are negative; this is what mature people do. I fortunately do not work with anybody that fits the description of "toxic person," but I was married to one for close to three decades. Took me a long time to realize he was the jerk, not I, and it most certainly was not my fault - he knew exactly what my weakest points were, and deliberately did everything he could to push me over the edge at every opportunity so he could point at me and blame any problem we had on my "bad temper". Took even longer to realize I had to cut him out of my life to protect myself from the stress that was making me sick, and very nearly killed me at one point (I meant those wedding vows, and I don't believe in running away at the first whiff of trouble, which contributed to the length of time it took me to make the decision to leave.) I rarely lose my temper any more, and when I do, I get control of it quickly, instead of escalating, I know how to step back and discern when I'm at fault and when I'm not in any particular negative situation, and what to do in either case, and my self esteem is no longer in the toilet. If I had read this advice a long time ago, maybe I would not have "stuck it out" for so long.
Jul 30, 2009 at 7:41 PM I have had to learn that the hard way & I think it's wonderful you are shareing this articl. My thanks also goes to Dr. Goulsten for printing the article. I have a friend that is battleing a couple like that right now, I am trying to help him because these bullies are case workers who are blatently denying him his rights. He has a phisical disablity & his case workers put him in the mental hospital if he don't follow thier orders explicetly. He is a 70 yr. old man who uses a walker, I got him set up a powerchair which the caseworkers were telling him would cause him to be bed ridden for the rest of his life. Last christmas he was put in the mental hospital for 2 wks. because he hollard at his case worker & told him to sut up. He did this because everytime someone would ask my friend a question his caseworker would talk over him & answer for him. They told my friend he had anger issues. Thats only an example, theres a lot more which I wont go into. If you want to suceed set your mind to a goal & let no one or no thing stop you.
Aug 1, 2009 at 2:19 PM I run into stubborn executives in the medical field and school systems who do not follow through when they are shown other proven cost effective ways of getting results in their establishments that could solve and prevent problems, including death. Sometimes it is a matter or getting the information in the right ears.
Aug 1, 2009 at 3:30 PM Thanks to all for your interest on "jerk-ectomies" and please do stay tuned for my special article with Bottom Line Personal on the topic. In the meantime you might also like: "Jiu Jitsu for the High Maintenance Crowd" at: http://markgoulston.com/insights/429.html. I hope you'll also check out my upcoming book, "Just Listen" which you can pre-order at: http://www.amazon.com/Just-Listen-Discover-Getting-Absolutely/dp/0814414036
Aug 13, 2009 at 3:32 PM In our self-help program, Dr.Low, the founder of Recovery, Inc. suggested this was our outer environment. People can be rude crude and indifferent to our wants and needs. Things and events happen outside our control. However, we can choose not to let them work us up. Read more about the program: go to http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org
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